Friday, March 2

cleaning up

In the process of moving files to my new computer, I decided to do a little clean up and found a memory worth saving. On February 4 & 5, 2003, Jim K and I challenged each other to write essays with a given set of parameters. Here is this little treasure of work avoidance for your reading pleasure...

Daily Essays (unedited)

February 4, 2003
What is your opinion on men's cologne and women's perfume and why?

ode du toilet
by Jim K

Perfume, cologne, what is it? does it attract the opposite sex? I think not.

Men and women in this day and age do anything to stand out, anything to make themselves look better or more distinguished than the next. Maybe by dressing differently or having a different haircut, but smelling differently?

In my professional opinion there are two types of perfume/cologne users. There is the 'more is better' crowd and then there is the 'just a little dabble here' crowd.

The 'just a dabble here' crowd is usually slightly more sophisticated than the other crowd. They have 3 to 4 different fragrances and a large wardrobe. Getting ready in the morning is a huge routine taking a minimum of 45 minutes. After their shower with the organic shampoos and the lavender soaps, they go through the ridiculous task of picking out an outfit combination that hasn't been worn in at least 2 weeks. And the shoes, don't get me started. After this comes the hair. Man or woman this could take a while. A good teeth brushing and listerine routine are taking place while the hair sets and dries. So after all this they probably look pretty good. Sharp outfit, nice and pressed, fresh breath, combed hair. Most, including me, would call it quits right now. But some have to go the extra mile and put something smelly on. They pick up the bottle, put their finger on the top and turn it upside down then right side up. There is a minute amount of smell on their finger yet they try and dabble it on both sides of their neck, both wrists, and for some reason around the private area. By the time said person arives at work with their coffee and paper, the smell has been rubbed off on their jacket and the car.

'More is Better'. These people, usually guys, are the worst. Unlike the 'dabble' crowd these people are not smart, do not have a large wardrobe, are not very hygienic. A typical for this type would involve showering, maybe. Head and shoulders is the fanciest shampoo is in the shower and occasionally there is something other than ivory or zest in the soap category. Showers take around 5-7 minutes. Now it's time to get dressed. Anything they can find that has a few wrinkles or stains is fair game. Smell does not matter. Shoes, they only have 2 pair so this is an easy decision. The next step is hair. 10 seconds of combing or brushing is all that is required. The occasional 'More is Better' patron will grease the shit out of his head. Now comes time for the smell. No matter how bad the breath, the BO, the clothing smell, this next step will take care of it. Typically there is 1 type of smell next to the sink with two spares under the sink for the frequent reload. This smell usually comes from a grocery store fragrance section. The bottle is picked up and poured into the opposite hand so it fills the palm. The other hand then smashes down on the other and rubbed so both hands are dripping with the stuff. Both sides of the face are slapped, followed by the armpits, and of course the private area finishes it off. Working with this person is not pleasant. Sneezing and watering eyes often occur when one comes in contact with this person. If you were to get hit on in a bar by this person the line would most likely be "so, you come here often?" or "Do I know you?".

I will admit I have worn cologne before on many an occasion. I wish I knew how much to put on though. I enjoy the smell when it is applied properly, but in my experience, most fragrance people fall in either of the above categories.

Does it impress me? No. Will I wear it again? Yes. I do think that we would be better off if we flushed it all down du toilet.

February 5, 2003
Okay, Here is your essay topic: Write an essay involving the following things:Bridget Moynahan, Transformers, White food, bisweptuals, Lite Brite, cooking, and Bonnie Tyler. The content is up to you!

Think Before You Act
By Shelly Holdren

Due to extremely bad judgment and the pouring prowess of Miss Darci Scherbak, I enjoyed too much champagne Tuesday night. Champagne served in that lovely little champagne flute seemed like a very small quantity, however, after 5 or 6 along with a couple of glasses of wine, I was lit up like a Lite Brite and enjoying myself to the fullest until time for bed. What with the ceiling spinning prior to sleep and the subsequent retching shortly thereafter, I severely interfered with my Krebs cycle and now feel like total shit.

In my waking hours, my lovely Australia-bound roommate, Darci (in whose honor the drinking ensued) prepared a breakfast feast of coffee, toast, and spinach omelets. In my state of disagreeable physical effects, the scent of cooking omelets was as pungent as the dead career of Bonnie Tyler and almost made me hurl. However, now that I have survived a few morning hours, my boss should be arriving with some tasty, comforting white food – chick-fil-a chicken biscuits, which will hopefully aid in my recovery. He’s no Bridget Moynahan, but he does have an Irish name, and is tops on my list at the moment.

As my day sluggishly continues on, I’m hoping for a transformation from my current puny mal-existence, to my normal pretend-to-care-about-work professional self, and possibly later into super motivated I-can-do anything-even-be-bisweptual athlete self; not unlike Astrotrain, the Decepticon Triple Changer* circa 1985.

*Actual name of Transformer used rather than the term Transformer


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