andrew
an homage...Buffy: Who are you?
Andrew: Andrew. I summoned the flying monkeys that attacked the high school? During the school play, you know?
Warren: It's Tucker's brother.
Jonathan: Yeah, it's Tucker's brother.
Buffy and Willow: Ohh.
Buffy: So you three have, what, banded together to be pains in my ass?
Warren: We're your arch-nemesises... ses.
Warren: Look at him.
Andrew: He's got that same look on his face, the one he had that time I highlighted in his Babylon 5 novels.
Spike: Examine my chip, or else Mister... (looks at the label on the stand) ...Fett here is the first to die.
Jonathan: Hey, all right, let's not, let's not do anything crazy here.
Andrew: That's a limited edition, 1979 mint condition Boba Fett.
Andrew: You have got to chill. This isn't "Oz" - it's, like, Mayberry. Besides, Warren is going to find a way get us out of here-
Jonathan: (scoffing) Yeah. I'm sure he'll be breaking us out of here any minute.
Andrew: He will. He's just coming up with a plan. Like in "War Games", remember? That decoder Matthew Broderick used?
Jonathan: Oh, yeah. That was rad. The one he made from the scissors and tape recorder?
Andrew: I miss "Ferris" Matthew. "Broadway" Matthew - I find him cold.
Jonathan: You're checking for implants?
Andrew: (defensive) Lex Luthor had a false epidermis escape kit in Superman versus the Amazing Spider-Man Treasury edition ...
Jonathan: Okay, first of all, those were sonic disrupters and second of all ...you are sadness personified.
Jonathan: Gentlemen ... crime is our wormhole.
Andrew: But ... everyone knows... if the width of a wormhole cavity is a whole number of wavelengths, plus a fraction of that wavelength? The coinciding particle activity collapses the infrastructure.
Warren: Dude. Don't be a geek.
Andrew: This is why we get jet-packs, and all you get is left behind.
Andrew: You were out of the trio a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away.
Andrew: You saw her -- she's a truck-driving magic mama! And we've got maybe seconds before Darth Rosenberg grinds everybody into Jawa-burgers, and not one of you bunch has the midiclorians to stop her.
Xander: You've never had any tiny bit of sex, have you?
Andrew: We're just supposed to sit around waiting for Sabrina to show up and disembowel us?
Jonathan: Son of a bitch!
Andrew: Butt wipe!
Jonathan: I wasn't talking to you.
Andrew: Oh. Reflex.
Andrew: Just hope she solves it faster than Data did on the ep of TNG where the Enterprise kept blowing up.
Warren Meers: Or Mulder, in that X-Files where the bank kept exploding.
Andrew: Scully wants me so bad.
Andrew: Calm down. No one's getting flayed alive. We got a plan. We're gonna fix all that.
Jonathan: Wish I'd have stayed in Mexico.
Andrew: Ah, I didn't like it there. Everybody spoke Mexicalan.
Jonathan: You could've learned it. You learned the entire Klingon dictionary in two and a half weeks.
Andrew: That had much clearer transitive and intransitive rules, OK? Besides, I can't keep having those nightmares.
Jonathan: Me neither. Desde abajo te debora.
Andrew: "It eats you starting with your bottom."
Andrew: OK. Say, um, do you have any weaknesses I should know about if I'm gonna work for you, like, uh, kryptonite or allergies?
TheFirst/Jonathan: What are you asking?
Andrew: Oh, nothing, um... Are you—are you made out of the evil impulses of humans, so if everyone was unconscious at the same time, you would fade away?
TheFirst/Jonathan: You're asking a lot of questions.
Andrew: Yes, well, I, uh, because... 'cause I'm evil, and I want to do the best I can at that, so I want to... know stuff like when—when do we kill Buffy?
TheFirst/Jonathan: Are you wearing a wire?
Andrew: Babe 2: Pig in the City was really underrated.
Andrew: The first what?
Anya: The name of the evil thing that pretended to be Warren to get you to kill Jonathan.
Andrew: Oh, not very ominous sounding.
Dawn: No, i-it is if you understand the context.
Andrew: No, an evil name should be like Lex or Voldemort.
Andrew: OK, I know what you're thinking. Andrew, bad guy. You think I'm a super-villain like Dr. Doom or Apocalypse or-or The Riddler. But I admit I went over to the dark side, but just to pick up a few things, a-and now I'm back. I've learned. I'm good again.
Buffy: And when were you good before?
Andrew: OK, technically, never. Touché. But I'm like Vader in the last 5 minutes of Jedi with redemptive powers minus a redemptive struggle of epic redemption which chronicles... These ropes itch.
Andrew: Keep the chatter down! Or, speak up so I can hear you. I'm bored. Episode I bored.
Andrew: Ow! Watch it! That's my joystick hand.
Buffy: So, I'm here to tell you, if you try anything, try to run— Did you ever see the movie Misery?
Andrew: Six times. But the book was scarier than the movie 'cause instead of crushing his foot with a sledge hammer, Kathy Bates chops it off with— I'll be good.
Andrew: What about me? Did it ever occur to anyone that I could be a lot more useful around here? I used to be an evil genius. Hello?
Andrew: License to kill, huh? Pretty cool. You know, Timothy Dalton never got his props 'cause he came in at the end of an old regime, but he had it goin' on. He went rogue with the Broccolis. They were just treading water, stylistically.
Dawn: Is there a language that you're speaking?
Andrew: I'm so alone.
Andrew: I think Timothy Dalton should get an Oscar and beat Sean Connery over the head with it!
Andrew: She's right. Where would the Justice League have been if they hadn't put their differences aside to stop the Imperium and his shape-shifting alien horde?
Andrew: You don't want me coming along 'cause you think I'm evil.
Vi: He doesn't seem evil, exactly.
Buffy: He's not evil, but when he gets close to it, he picks up its flavor like a mushroom or something.
Andrew: But I'm reformed. I'm like Vegeta on Dragonball Z. I used to be a pure Sayan, and now I fight for the side of Goku.
Buffy: Still not coming.
Andrew: It's not fair. Spike just killed people, and he gets to go.
Buffy: Spike didn't have free will and you did.
Andrew: I hate my free will.
Andrew: (holding the snakeskin as if it were a live snake and hissing) At your ssssservice, Miss Rosenberg, ssssir. Can you imagine if every once in a while, people just wriggled out of their skin and left it behind them like—like on the sidewalk. Talk about embarrassing.
Anya: Dawn's gonna be a slayer.
Andrew: Holy crap! Excuse me. Plucked from an ordinary life, handed a destiny—
Xander: Say Skywalker, and I smack ya.
Andrew: Yes, Willow so captured it. It's like—well, it's almost like this metaphor for womanhood, isn't it? The sort of flowering that happens when a girl realizes that she's part of a fertile heritage stretching back to Eve, and—
Xander: I'll pay you to talk about Star Wars again.
Andrew: No more listening. I know who you are now. I know what you made me do. Your promises of happy fields and dancing schnauzers and being demigods won't work on me anymore.
Andrew: I'll get it. I'm supposed to get a call when the new League of Extraordinary Gentlemen comes in. I gave them this number.
Andrew: OK, well, if you leave me here alone, I'll do something evil, like burning something or gluing things together.
Andrew: Where the hell have you been? This funnel cake is kicking my ass.
Andrew: Come with me now, if you will, gentle viewers. Join me on a new voyage of the mind...a little tale, I like to call, Buffy, Slayer of the Vam-pires.
Andrew: Lets start from the top. You've already met Buffy, she's beautiful with a lions heart and the face of an Angel. She's never afraid cos she knows her sides gonna always win. Buffy and Spike have some kind of history you can feel the heat between them, although technically as a Vampire, he's room temperature.
Andrew: For years and years, or more accurately months, Faith fought for the side of good. But like so many tragic heroes, Faith was seduced by the lure of the dark side. She wrapped evil around her like a large, evil Mexican serape.
Andrew: Why would Faith kill a person who studies Vulcans.
Andrew: Godzilla is mostly Tokyo based, so he's probably a no-show.
Andrew: Yup. See, the post-it's still here: "Andrew's. Please do not eat." But the box is empty now.
Andrew: "Can't" is a 4-letter word! I'm Andrew. I'll be your bad cop this evening.
Andrew: What the bananas?! You are so lucky that you did not just... magically decapitate me.
Andrew: I feel used and violated, and... (holds his throat) I need a lozenge.
Andrew: Ooh. This one has oxygen tanks.
Anya: They'd only be useful if something big was attacking, and then we could shove one down their throat and blow 'em up like Roy Scheider did with that shark in Jaws. (Andrew stares at her) What?
Andrew: You are the perfect woman.
Andrew: You go through the door and are confronted by Trogdor the Burninator.
Giles: Oh, bugger it. Fight. (rolls dice, sips wine)
Andrew: Adios to 5 hit points. Trogdor has badly wounded you.
Giles: Well, wait a minute. What about my... (puts on glasses) bag of illusions?
Andrew: Illusions against a Burninator? Silly, silly british man.
Andrew: I just want to say how proud I am to die for this very special cause with you guys. (takes a paper out of his pocket, reads) There's some, um—there's people I'd like to thank, both good and evil. Um, a shout out to my brother Tucker, who gave me the inspiration to summon demons and also—
Andrew: Spike?
Spike: Oh, for the love of--
Andew: Spike? It's you. It's really you! (sobbing) My therapist thought I was holding onto false hope, but...I knew you'd come back. (sniffles) You're like...you're like Gandalf the White, resurrected from the pit of the Balrog, more beautiful than ever. Oh... he's alive, Frodo. (sobbing) He's alive.
posted by shelly @ 11:35 AM
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