Friday, March 6


If anyone is still reading this blog, I moved.

Tuesday, March 3

my mom called me bean

me: what's next up for chef maxine?
I'm hungry

omnom: jambalaya
black bean chili

me: i heart black bean chili

omnom: never made it
but i have a killer veg. cook book for all things good

me: yum yum yum
my mom called my Bean when I was a kid
ok, I'm rambling and you are probably working hard

omnom: no, i guess i better hear why you are called bean

me: dunno... Shelly Bean

omnom: ?
oh, like jelly bean

me: i think it's an actually bean

omnom: no way

me: or mix of beans

omnom: i think you can come up with a better story than that

me: hold on

omnom: i was going to suggest i could make one for you, but you're rather creative so you do it

me: no, really

omnom: ok, but i still think you need another story
one with swords and maybe a dwarf

me: so like magic beans?

omnom: yeah yeah
i think that's the right track

me: so we had this garden right
and when I was really young, like three or something, I helped my mom plant the green pea seeds

omnom: where's the dwarf

me: but when they grew into plants, I called them beans because I hated peas

omnom: you're losing me

me: one day when I went out to check on the plants, there was this like garden gnome thing there digging out my plants and putting in other plants that looked the same
I had my dad's conan the barbarian sword with me
at the time

omnom: haha

me: and um, I said, hey shorty. what are you doing

omnom: AWESOME. i like where this is going

me: and he said, I'm a dwarf dammit!
and I said, you said a bad word and I beaned (?) him on the head

omnom: no no, change the beaned part

me: i just meant I hit him on the head with the sword
no pun intended

omnom: i think those puns are beneath you

me: totally

omnom: that was much better
if anyone asks, tell them that story. plus, it's believable that you would have a conan sword

me: is it?
i don't even know when conan was made

omnom: how old are you?
you're my age aren't you

me: I was going to go with she-ra sword but I would have been like 8 or something
34... 35 in 28 days

omnom: it came out in the eraly 80's i think. very early

me: so I would have been 5 or 6
maybe it was a pie server and I just called it a sword, because I kicked ass as a 3 year old

omnom: i don't think i'd use pie server and kicked ass again in the same sentence
well,i wouldn't, but i guess you can pull it off

me: I was 3

omnom: ha

me: ok, so the shorty dwarf says OW! That was unnecessary!
So I said, you are a poopy-head. why are you taking my beans?

omnom: i think you can do better than that

me: I WAS 3!!

omnom: don't shoot the messenger

me: and he says, my people need green vegetables and we can't grow them, so I'm taking yours because your family is redneck and we don't like rednecks
so I ask what are you replacing them with?

omnom: oh shit, this is getting good

me: and he says, golden beans. and I said, shit, that's even better than beans. I don't even like beans!
green ones I mean
and I ask why is he giving up gold beans to rednecks if he doesn't like rednecks
and he says, they are only 12 carat
and I said, what? the carrots are on the other side of the garden, retard

omnom: ha

me: so I go back inside and tell my mom that there are shorties in the garden that don't like carrots, so they are taking our beans and giving us gold beans because we are redneck!
and my mom says, Shelly, beans?? they are peas, honey! Shelly bean, Shelly bean
the end

omnom: that was weak

me: I WAS 3
ok, you give the ending

omnom: ok, your mom cracked open a pbr, chugged it, crumpled it on her forehead, and went outside in her motley crue shirt with the sleeves cut off

me: that is SO my mom

omnom: and she yelled 'where's the f*ing dwarf"
i thought so
so, the dwarf bowed up and was like 'are you looking for me?'
and your mom picked the dwarf up by it's funny pointed hat and drop kicked it to the trailer next door
then she let out a rebel yell and went back inside to make some grits
and then she said to you 'your name is now bean. because it is awesome'

me: that is awesome

omnom: thx

me: this is going to be even funnier if you ever meet my mom